Peace in the storm

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

I realize it's been, about six months since I last posted on this blog. Almost everyday, I would go on my blog, look at the old abandoned posts I have laying around, tell myself, I should really write something, and suddenly become distracted by something else.

Facebook has done an impeccable job in reminding me that I haven't posted in awhile. It's felt as if Mark Zuckerberg himself has been telling me of the grandness of my failure as a blog writer, and the disloyalty I've had towards my Facebook followers.

I'm back though, and my hope is to continue writing more on the blog.

It's been a difficult, mind-blowing, sad, encouraging, and wonderful past summer overall.

And now, here I am, back at the beginning of this exciting cycle, headed back into the hallowed halls of my University.

I spent majority of my summer working as a Intern for my church again this year, and it was quite the "interesting experience". Earlier this year, after almost failing my classes and coming quite close to just dropping out in general, I was advised to go see a doctor, where I was formally diagnosed with Depression and sent off to the world of therapy.

So my new diagnosed mental state, coupled with a summer away from my family and working nonstop birthed "quite the interesting experience".

The saddest part of it all was that, I had completely shut God out when I needed him the most.

What did I learn this summer, and the first five weeks of University? God never left me.

The amount of times that my mentors, friends and sister told me to go to God in prayer and me not doing it is quite embarrassing. It would have been so simple, SO simple if I had just said anything to God. The words I wanted to tell him, and the feelings I needed to express were pushed down into the deepest depths of my heart in hopes that they would never resurface. I had this mentality of, "God can't heal me, he wants me to go through this" that seemed to destroy me.

Now, I didn't think that in a resentful way. I've been quite surrendered about my depression, and I've never been angry to God for having to go through it. However, it did make me stop praying. Since I believed that God had given me this illness for some sort of reason, I felt it pointless to ask him to heal me from it, so I just wouldn't talk about it. And not talking about it turned into just not talking to God in general. I pushed him away, and because I pushed him away, I got worse, and it became more and more difficult not to believe all the lies that Satan was telling me.

I began studying the bible with a friend of mine who, just recently, got into the water to make Jesus Lord of her life. It was beautiful watching her love for God grow, and her amazement of his love and grace for her become more real. Reading those scriptures with her, and watching her be completely open with her life so as to be freed from the world and reconciled with God ... brought me great sorrow.

Not for her, but for me. Seeing my friends eagerness to be right with God made me see clearly how I had been pushing God away and letting myself fall into Satan's traps over and over and over again. I needed to do some HEAVY damage control if I wanted to feel God again.

After having had my friends last study before her baptism, I called my best friend after immediately. I confessed to her, and was open about my sin. I made sure to tell he about all the bad, and the worse stuff. However, even though it felt great to get all that yucky stuff off my shoulders, I still didn't feel good. In fact, it was that night that Satan almost won.

Joel 2:12 (NLT) reads:
"Turn to me now, while there is still time."

Do you remember in first Samuel, when Hannah wasn't doing too well because she wasn't able to have a child, so, she wept bitterly to the Lord in her anguish (1 Samuel 1:10)? She wept. I wept. 

I can't say I fully understood what it meant to weep until that night. I had reached the lowest part of my life. I had completely let my depression paralyze me, and allowed Satan to terrorize me. I was trapped in my own mind, and left to rot in the darkest place I had ever been. And that was where I found God. 

It was like a tiny light that shone in a pitch black pit. 

The light didn't heal me right there, nor did it tell me I would be healed soon. It just shone and reminded me that it was there for me. I can't fully explain how it felt to feel God's love literally wash over me ("Grace, comes, like, a, wave, washing over me." Any elevation worship fans?), but it was such an amazing experience. Even though my depression was fairly bad, I could feel God be there right next to me, watching over me. It brought me so much comfort and so much peace within the storm.

Shout out to my two friends who referenced this scripture to me: Mark 4:37-40

A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him. "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?" He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"

I love this scripture because the most powerful being in the entire universe, Son of the Creator of Heaven and Earth and the Author of Time was right there in the boat. I mean, the boat wasn't anything huge, Jesus being at the stern was really just a few feet away from the disciples, maybe even less, and yet, the disciples were afraid.

Jesus is right in the boat next to us. He was in the boat right next to me, yet I still allowed myself to fear the storm. I cried out to the Lord, wept and poured out my soul because I was far too afraid of the storm and I needed his help. And he woke up, showered me with love and told me, "Why are you afraid, Lorena? I'm right here. I've always been right here."

I pray that through your storms and your own sorrows, that you all can remember that Jesus is on the same boat as us all. He has never left, nor will he ever leave. He loves us far too much to let us drown. (Isaiah 43:2). And if you ever feel like you're too broken or lost to come back to God, I encourage you to read and study out Joel 2:12-17

Thanks for reading this far! Have a blessed day :)

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