Friday, April 01, 2016

This post is only for the insecure.

I wrote this spoken word based on my own struggles with self-loathing. In no way is this for anyone to feel bad for me. I wrote personally in order to connect with you. While some of the things I say may not relate to you, I hope you feel something.

The Sea
It's so hard to breathe
under all this hate.
I'm gasping for breath
beneath the weight of my self-loathing.
It's rising too fast
everything I resent about myself
is pulling me into the depths of the sea
drowning me in an ocean of insecurities.

I seemed to have lost my footing at some point
No longer playing dress up and showing off
but hiding and covering up

What was there to show anyway?

Where was my photo ready skin
Because all I see are bags under my eyes and a double chin

Where were my prominent cheekbones
Because my cheekbones are non-existent instead
No amount of contouring would ever find them.

What about that thin hourglass figure with a bum and big breasts
Because I all see are rolls on rolls, and not a curve in sight. Flat bummed, flat chest.

I always seem to avoid interactions with people,
to avoid being annoying
to avoid being needy
to avoid being myself.
I couldn't possibly be myself.

And trust me my list can go on
Give me till dawn
and I'll be half way through everything that's wrong
with me.

But that would be dumb.

'Cuz I'm constantly telling myself that I don't meet
this worlds conventional one-dimensional standards
Repeating over and over in my head that I'm pretty enough
Yet doubting that I'd ever marry
Because the attention boys give me isn't as much
As the girls who have the figure, who have the skin, who have all of that
And I stand on the side, watching enviously, calling myself ugly
calling myself fat.

Allowing myself to fill my mind with all that crap
Is just dumb.

It's amazing the effect that
not being supposedly perfect can dangerously
infect the mind of anyone who lets themselves believe it.

So why do I let myself do it?
No … sorry,
Why do we let ourselves do it?

Because I don't know about you but
I hated drowning from the abuse I inflicted on myself
And if I had let it completely consume me
Who knows where I would be.

But instead of it getting really bad, it got good

You see, as I sulked in the my own little corner
there came a light.
Oh if I can show you the bright
ness of it.
It nearly blinded me with its majesty
englufed me with its hospitality
it lavished on me courage and confidence
it gave me assurance
that I wasn't ugly, nor was I fat.
It reminded me that I was bold
shy at times, but fine with that
awkward always, but kind and sarcastic
because when I had lost my footing
I forgot all about myself.

But the light, it helped me remember.
It told me
I was beautiful
It told me
I was strong
It told me
I was worth it.
It said I was worth so much.

And while it took some time to fully see
past all my insecurities
I eventually found myself walking around like a princess
Yes, like a royal who dressed in the
in the most impressive dresses and jewels
because now I ruled my head
no unsuitable suitor would ever recline and infest my mind again
Because now I no longer stand behind
and pine over everything I'm not
and why would I when every princess knows that
the King is their Father

So you will no longer see me drowning
because now I'm walking on water.

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